How to Politely Handle Comments About Weight and Food During The Holidays

Politics might be off the table at your family get togethers this holiday season, but seeing friends and relatives you haven’t in a while can bring up comments about your weight, or the food you are eating and go on to affect the way you feel about yourself the rest of the night and beyond.

My goal with writing this post on how to handle comments about your weight and food is to help you maintain confidence in all of your food choices and in your body image when these types of comments arise.

It can be really hard not to let comments about weight or food from friends and family get to you, especially if you are in the process of healing your relationship with food and loving your body more. Use these responses and realizations to politely respond to the situation and hopefully not let a comment ruin your experience at a holiday get together.

Some situations may merit a conversation in private to let that person know that comments and diet talk are impacting you more than they might think. Everyone is at a different place in their health, nutrition and wellness journey and I think it’s SO important to respect others decisions when it comes to what they are eating or not eating because we simply don’t know everything that might be going on with them.

DISCLAIMER: These comments and strategies are not intended to be used to hide or mask an eating disorder. My intention is not to help anyone who truly needs help alienate themselves from friends and family. If you are struggling with an eating disorder I strongly urge you to seek help from a registered dietitian. You can look for one in your area here.

Since food is the focal point of most holiday gatherings, comments on what people are eating or not eating, and diet talk can come up somewhat naturally. While I believe that certain comments are not meant in a harmful way and are more of a byproduct of our culture, I do understand that they can be very triggering for those of us who are trying to love our bodies more and reject diet culture for a better overall relationship with food.

That said, unfortunately there are some cases when people make comments about your appearance with the intention of hurting your feelings to make themselves feel better, and that is not ok.

That is when you have to decide if you want to be around those people, or if it warrants a greater conversation with them about how food or appearance comments make you feel at this time.

In this blog post I did my best to answer the question: “how do you handle triggering situations when comments on your weight or appearance are made (or diet talk in general) and not let it affect the way you feel about yourself?”

How To Handle Comments About the way you look

If you haven’t seen a friend or a family member in a long time, it’s easy to gravitate toward making a comment about the way they look right off the bat. That’s human nature!

If this person is truly concerned about your health I believe they would approach you in private and not publicly make a comment. That’s one way to tell the difference between someone who is truly concerned about you versus someone who might be projecting their own insecurities about the way THEY look onto you.

It’s More About Them Not You. A friend making a negative comment about the way you look can be more of a reflection about how they are feeling about themselves rather than you. Unfortunately, I have seen this happen and experienced it myself. It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others and it’s really hard not to do, so perhaps that friend is a little jealous of how you look (or wants to make healthy choices like they see you making) and says something to make you feel insecure to hide their own insecurities.

Unfortunately this happens with women and I wish it didn’t. Even a friend who again may not necessarily be trying to hurt your feelings might make a comment about the way you look to make themselves feel better. It’s hard to take the high road and realize it’s more about them and not you, but being able to realize that will save you from feeling bad about yourself.

For those of us who are working on loving our bodies mores, and having a healthy relationship with all foods comments like: “you’re too skinny, you should eat more” or “are you sure you should be eating that?”, can quickly make you feel insecure and knock down your confidence in your food decisions for the rest of the night and beyond. Trust me I’ve been there.

So how do you ensure that you don’t internalize these comments and that they bounce right off of you?!

Take the High Road.

In any situation when you’re told to “take the high road”, it’s never easy but always worth it. In most situations people are not trying to be deliberately mean with their comments. I also think it’s really important to mention here (and we’ll talk more about this later) are the cultural and generational differences that are a factor in certain comments being made.

Here are a couple of examples of how to handle comments about the way you look and what you are eating:

Comment: “You’re too skinny you should eat more.”

Response: “I’m happy with what’s on my plate right now — all the food looks great! I’ll get more food if I feel hungry later.”‘

Comment: “You don’t have to watch what you’re eating because you’re skinnier than me.”*

Response: “Everyone eats differently.”

Comment: “Are you sure you should be eating that?”

Response: “Yeah! I know what’s best for my body, thanks!”

Cut. It. Off. The minute you feel like someones comment can trigger you to be in a negative place about your food choices or body image, cut it off, change the subject or take yourself out of the situation. If it’s a party you don’t have to be around that person if you don’t want to, or simply change the subject next time you’re around them to something not about the food or what you each are eating.

Comment: ” …… big girl”

Response: Open for interpretation.

Maybe they didn’t call you a “big girl” (or something like that) flat out but these words slip into a comment inadvertently. Here is where I think cultural and generational differences come into play.

In my personal experience being the child of two Polish immigrants who grew up at a time where food was not always abundant, being skinny at that time might have meant that you were sick or didn’t have enough food.

Never wanting their kids to not have enough food, my mom projected this onto me the moment she thought I was too skinny in her opinion. This was hard me as a teenage girl, but but today I can say I don’t fault her for it because I realize there are many cultural and generations factors that play into why she thought I was too skinny.

We have two totally different outlooks on food and body image and it’s taken a long time but we respect each other on this topic. I’ve had to make it clear to her that body comments can be hurtful even if they are coming from a place of love because in this day and age different shapes and sizes are celebrated. Getting on the same page with family members about diet talk or where you are at on your journey to having a positive relationship with food is hard, especially since they are probably at a different point or believe different things. I do think even though it’s a hard conversation to have, it’s totally worth it in the end.

Maybe your mom or aunt were very into diet culture in the 80’s and 90’s when low-fat foods were all the rage and bread was bad. They might not fully understand your food choices and that them talking about these fad diets is triggering for you because you have opted out of diet culture.

In some cultures it’s a status symbol to be bigger. So they could be thinking this is a complement {“oh you look so big now”} and now you are super self-conscious about your food choices around them and at the party because in you’re mind you don’t want to be “bigger” based on what they just said because you didn’t see yourself this way. The interpretation is a huge part of it!

Whenever comments like this come from an older relative I just try to remember I have no idea what their definition of big vs. small or skinny or anything really is. I mean this in the best way possible but I just remember their opinion of my body does not matter to me.

Comment: ” Wow, look at you, you’re eating a cookie”

Response: “Yeah, it’s delicious.”

To me, this is one of those comments that is aimed at being deliberately hurtful to you and totally inappropriate. I say cut it off, and walk away. This is a good example of realizing they are projecting their own insecurities on you.

You started to see what they might have been implying and politely showed them that this topic is not up for discussion in this type of setting in the nicest way possible.

Remember, your food choices do not have to be up for debate or display.

How to Handle Someone Else Talking About Their Diet

Maybe you are healing your relationship with food and your body and diet talk can be triggering because part of you might still think that going on a diet is the only way to “eat healthy”. Something someone says about a diet they are on or what they are not eating can make you feel bad about what you are eating or are not eating.

Remember that when you feel as though their choices are superior to yours (if their on a crazy fad diet, trust me they’re not), set the example of respecting their food choices and not scrutinizing them and they will follow! Leave the room if you don’t want to be part of a diet conversation and unless your relative is a registered dietitian you don’t have to take food or diet advice from them!

Comment: ” I haven’t eaten all day.”

Response: Nothing or “All the food does look delicious!”

Your friend/relative shows up at the party exclaiming they haven’t eaten anything all day to prepare for eating food at the party. You instantly think back to all the things you ate during the day and feel bad that you didn’t eat less or nothing to “prepare” for eating party food.

First off you should NOT feel bad for eating during the day because our bodies need food to function. It’s actually smarter to fuel the way you would any other day even if you know you are going to a big meal that night. This prevents over eating and from literally being hangry all day waiting for food. You’re more in control of your food choices if you don’t show up famished.

I also think this type of comment is made to make that person feel better about themselves. They are justifying how much they are going to eat by saying they haven’t eaten all day to hide their own food insecurities.

Bottom line: You food choices and appearance are not up for debate or display. Diet talk and comments will never go away, but you are in control of how you handle them. Take yourself out of the conversation or talk to a family member or friend in private if you want them to know how those types of comments make you feel.

Remember that most times it’s about the other person projecting their insecurities onto you, and if they have a real concern about your health they wouldn’t make a public comment that could really hurt your feelings. Cultural and generational factors come into play when it comes to diet talk and comments on appearance too. Consider that if the comment is coming from an older relative who doesn’t know that body image and healthy have different definitions in this day and age.

If you read this blog post and find that it helps you navigate holiday get togethers or any other eating situations with a little more confidence in your food choices and how to handle when it comment is made, I’d love to know!